I've been charged with the daunting task of setting goals. Not only for this semester, but I also have to consider my goals for the next five years. I am finding this to be a difficult job. I think that my lack of a "home" has set me on this path of resistance. Restless as I feel rootless. Everywhere is my home, and at the same time nowhere is my home. It is my goal to be happy*, which is a day to day choice.
In class, we brainstormed (I did a freewrite, although I'm usually a clusterer). The prompt was basically: success in five years. I of course, explored the abstract ideas of success and happiness: what is success? What is happiness*? Does success equal happiness*? Does happiness* equal success? I never really got to any concrete examples of what would make me successful.
I tried brainstorming goals in my catch-all journal, but I couldn't. I was hesitant record "future" things in a journal which contains my "past." I don't want to look back and see the things that I wanted to be and have them taint the portrait of who I was. We are always changing, moving. I am always changing, moving as a wanderer without a home.
Maybe I'm just not driven or motivated enough to set goals. Maybe it's my nomad mentality that keeps my on this wandering path. I often question my choice of major, my decision to go to grad school. I've even questioned my previous "goal" of getting my Ph.D, and have decided to set that one aside for now. I don't want who I want to be to shape who I am now, I want to be who I am now and then see where that leads me next.
I often say that I want to quit school and open a bakery that sells things like "Golden Girl's Cheesecake." I might open the bakery, but I know I won't quit. I have to stick it out now, and I know I'll be so proud once I do. But I don't want to see earning my MA as "the next step on my path to becoming _____" but rather as a bend in the road of life--which ultimately has only one destination.
I will become/be what I am, what I am "supposed" to be. I will become what I want to be--happy*, if I am what I want to be now--happy*.
*Happy=content=enlightened=pleased with my actions=some other abstract idea that I am having trouble putting into words
2 comments:
As another wandering soul who moved around a lot as a kid, I know what you mean about not having a home, per se. It does make one feel restless or antsy or something, and it certainly changes the way we view the future. I really love the line you wrote: "I don't want who I want to be to shape who I am now, I want to be who I am now and then see where that leads me next." I needed to hear that this week....it's a good reminder that sometimes it's best just to wait and see, be open to the possibilities, and enjoy the journey in the meantime.
Glad you've resurrected the old blog...:)
Darcy,
It's not so much that I wandered as a child (my parents lived in the same house all of my life), or even now, but just the constant balance of keeping moving/not stagnating and enjoying each moment for it's own sake.
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