The Year Without a Santa Claus

I know that I haven't posted in a while, and I apologize. It's been difficult to keep up with blogging since the holiday rush has begun.

This weekend, I visited home. My sisters and I cleaned my dad's house and went through (some of) my mother's things; mostly clothes. Since we all live out of town, we decided against trying to hold a garage sale. It would have been too difficult, anyway. My mother's things hold sentimental value, and it would be impossible to put a price on them that satisfied both my family and garagesalers alike. Some things hold more weight than others, like the dress that she wore to my sister's wedding. It reminds me that she won't be there if/when I get married.

We also got a chance to go through some of our old things, especially dance costumes. I chose to donate mine, as I know some little fluffy girl will love being able to play dress-up in pretty costumes, but my sister kept most of hers. You could attribute it to the fact that she is now a dance teacher herself, and she sees the value in them for that reason. I tend to believe it is because she is more sentimental than I am. I rarely keep things for keepsake alone. She is a scrapbooker and a picture-taker. I am a packrat, but not for keepsakes. Throw away all of my stuff from highschool! Am I really ever going to look at it again? I have a few of my mother's things, and I suspect over the next few years I will take more from my father's house. But I know her memory is alive inside me and these things only serve as touchstones to jog my memory about specific moments in time.

My boyfriend's mother told me at Thanksgiving that she has already begun to divvy up her possessions for her children when she passes. They were even joking that they were going to get colored stickers and mark what they wanted. I think this is sad, but practical.

It is not the possessions that hold so many memories for me, but noting when she isn't there. For instance, while I was spending Thanksgiving with my boyfriend's family, tears welled up more than once just noting how differently his family interacts. It has never been a large holiday for my family, and I didn't quite know how to be a part of the festivities. I was still missing my mother. It also pains me that my father will not be putting up a tree this year. I understand why he doesn't want to, but he didn't even consider it. Last year, we had a few presents to open, since my mother had ordered some from catalogs before she passed. But this year, we will have nothing under the nonexistent tree, since my dad told us not to get him anything and he's not getting us anything. I'm a little resentful because part of my mother's spirit is being Santa Claus.

I suppose it is time for me to start my own traditions and take charge of my own celebration of the season, even if others are being "scrooges."